| hurricanes and bad moods |
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| 01:39pm 05/09/2004 |
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mood:  disappointed music: rain & wind
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i've quit the coffee shop--actually i kinda just didn't go in. the idiots scheduled me to work during chloe's birthday party, in spite of me asking for it off in the proper manner, in writing, 3 weeks in advance, etc... i objected and was told there was no one else who could work and they had some SCA bullshit going on that weekend--what a bunch of jackasses. yeah, you're so right, your game of dress-ups and make-beklieve fighting is more important than a 10-year old's b-day. and yeah, even though YOU own the damned shop and get all the profits, AND I ONLY GET 10 OR 15 PIDDLY-ASS HOURS A WEEK OUT OF YOU AND A PAYCHECK THAT NEVER TOPS $100, i should move/cancel/rescedule/find someone else to host (pick one) my baby's party. i have a suggestion for these assholes: GROW. UP. ALREADY.
there's a hurricane coming any minute. and i came to my best friend's house (i don't really get to see her that much any more) to hang out & be safe, and her partner has said one sentence to me, that being a nasty, sarcastic one at that. it's more than obvious she thinks i'm stupid and uneducated and trashy, and that she's somehow better than me, and i haven't been around someone who treats me like that in a long time. and it makes me sad, because i love my friend and i wanted to be friends w/her partner too, and she's just not interested. i wish this storm would come and go so i could leave.... |
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| welfare moms' zine |
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| 09:02pm 28/08/2004 |
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mood:  sleepy music: kenny rogers. i shit you not. hey, not my house.
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hi y'all... i'm working on putting together a zine about my experiences as a "welfare mom." i'm seeking submissions from other poor single moms. by "welfare mom," i mean a mom who has at some point been on welfare and/or food stamps, and by single mom, i mean one who has performed most of her parenting without the presence of any long-term, committed, work-sharing coparent. new moms, moms of all ages, moms who've lost their children, whose kids have been taken, or whose children have grown up/left home/chosen to leave, etc.--you get the idea--are welcome (read: begged) to respond.
i know lots of us are poor but have never been on welfare/food stamps, that some of us know poor single dads, and that many of us have coparents but have still been poor. these people are oppressed in different ways and have a different set of issues than those of single welfare moms (like me). we are in a singular position in society and i want to address that position--what it feels like, how we manage (or don't), where we stand politically, etc.--specifically. i am pretty set on limiting the contents of this particular zine to the words and experience of single, state assistance-receiving moms.
unfortunately, i am aware that because of the ways i'm going about seeking material and because of who makes up my community, i will have to work harder not to make it a zine about only white single welfare moms. if anyone has access to a list with more women of color on it, or any other relevant list, or knows a single mama, please forward this e-mail at will.
several friends involved in zine distro have expressed a lot of interest in this zine. i'd like to get it done within 2 months (we'll see).
thanks! |
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| LAME IS GOOD! |
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| 10:44am 28/08/2004 |
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mood: exhausted music: modest mouse
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*i*m*o*.....
here's the deal: i can only address this adequately in terms relating to/describing myself, for if i use deroguatory terms for other groups it will be oppressive in and of itself and cause pain for members of those groups.
thus, i will put it this way: differently-abled (specifically self-identified "lame" folks) tell us that saying something is lame is comparable to saying "that's so gay!", "he's such a faggot!", &/or "what a pussy." in order to express that something or someone is not good in some way--which i've had to listen to my entire life and always made me, consciously and unconsciously, ASHAMED of who i am as a gay faggot pussy-bearing woman. differently-abled people are saying that's how we make them feel when we say "that's so lame!" in other words, it HURTS. it says, lame sucks as do lame people. it's oppressive and disrespectful of dif-abled people's dignity.
i know i have become repetitive with this. however, i keep hearin' that damn word! that's repetitive too! i work to forward an anti-oppression agenda, but i need to work harder. we all do.
the following may seem a little over-the-top if ya haven't seen it before, but people go all out when they're resisting!
from eminism.com, the site of Emi Koyama, a "multi-issue social justice slut synthesizing feminist, Asian, survivor, dyke, queer, sex worker, intersex, genderqueer, and crip politics, as these factors, while not a complete descriptor of who she is, all impacted her life."
"This is a campaign designed to change the society's attitude toward people with disabilities by challenging the negative use of the term "lame." We recommend using the word "lame" only when you want to say something positive--e.g. "You're so fucking lame! Can I have an autograph?" Try calling something you love "lame"--it feels so subversive every time we do."
finally, please believe i'm acting out outta love. <3<3<3 |
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| hrnk... |
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| 07:41am 28/08/2004 |
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mood: exhausted music: weezer
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it's 7:30 in the morning on saturday and i've been at work for an hour. this will come as a severe shock to anyone who knows me AT ALL. in fact, it is still a shock to me every time the fog briefly lifts.
2 shots have had no effect. lets see if 4 shots do it.
espRESSo, people. come ON.
anyone want a kitten? |
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| i <3 wellbutrin |
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| 02:43pm 27/08/2004 |
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mood:  optimistic music: rasputina
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i feel so much better and get so much more done when i take it; why, then, is it so easy to forget to?
anyway, i think i'm going to *try* veganing. i do like cheese, but i think i can easily convince myself it's gross. moldy and rotten milk, mmmm. besides, there's nutritional yeast, which is kinda better actually. the cool thing about being vegan is that there's nothing in your house that, when gone bad, smells dead in the animal way. unless something's very, very wrong, that is. then again, there's that strange vegan smell my friends have... but then again again, i think meat-eaters stink to high ozone when i get very close to them, so i'm sure lacto-ovo's seem smelly to vegans. i can also stop tearing up when i think about cows and feel self-righteous instead. my only attempts at pure veganism have been short-lived and unsuccessful, but we'll see.
chloe is going to throw a real stinker, he heee. she can go to my mom's and eat gross rotten dead steak.
anyone want a kitten? we have 2 available to VERY GOOD homes only. their mama had a rough life on the streets before we catnapped her--so rough she does NOT like to go outside at all any more--and her kittens must have homes as nice as hers was not. however, i do wish they did not have to live with me until we find those homes. i'm starting to smell like the cat lady i intend to become when i'm old.
i'm feeling really good today. the hets at my work are just making me giggle instead of pissing me off, i only have 2 shifts left out here in alaska, and i'm in the middle of planning a party! on a more contemplative note, i really need to start listening to people i care about more--what they're saying AND what they're not. |
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| boiled peanuts |
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| 06:36pm 20/08/2004 |
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mood: festive!! music: postal service
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guess who knows how to make them now? me, that's who! yay! i'm almost finished making all this food for a friend's birthday, and the cajun boiled peanuts are amazing. also made olive tapenade, mmmm, fruit salad, a crudite platter, a sandwich-y platter, spinach/smokked mozz/sundried tom. pizzas, vegan dip, nonvegan dip, salsa w/corn & black beans, etc... you should come. i need to find a way to season them w/out a bottle of pre-made stuff, though. this way the pot costs about $6.
no time for lj today... maybe i'll see y'all at the party. |
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| http://www.armory.com/tests/purity.html |
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| 04:56pm 17/08/2004 |
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heehee. i just got paid to take a purity test. i haven't taken one in like, 10 years!!
"Here is the result of your 1500 Point Purity Test.
You answered "yes" to 668 of 1500 questions, making you 55.5% sexually pure (44.5% sexually corrupt); that is, you are 55.5% pure in the sex domain.
Your Weirdness Factor (AKA Uniqueness Factor) is 35%, based on a comparison of your test results with 97847 other submissions for this test.
The average purity for this test is 76.6%.
The first submission for this test was received March 5, 1996."
then i invented a new drink. i made bananas foster smoothies for sasha at the other store. very yummy. now i'm throwing in triple shots.
wheeeee! |
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| p.s. |
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| 02:58pm 17/08/2004 |
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btw, still, tragically, crushing on the hopeless case. and it makes me feel so weird! and alienated from my friends. being interested in this particular person makes me not so much one of them anymore--some look disappointed, others pretend it's not happening/avoid the subject, & still others try to talk me out of it. nice friends, eh? i guess it scares some of them. only a few just love me & don't care.
oooooh, i really like the emotionally &/or geographically &/or dramatically unavailable. gets me all bothered. |
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| and a night of misbehavin' |
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| 01:35pm 17/08/2004 |
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mood:  contemplative music: black eyed peas
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well. the best way to cope when you're feeling like shit is to hit the bar. on free beer night. on a work night. and leave your kiddo with other people AGAIN so that you have (ah, my old, old friend!) GUILT. besides, drinking a lot o'beer really makes one feel sick the next day. i feel kinda like an old man! and i was so good the night before, at t&j's wedding. tsk, tsk.
looking back over yesterday's post, i feel overwhelmingly like i need to clean up after myself but don't even know where to begin. the house, adding another job, building better (& more/different?) friendships, going back to school? it's a lot to take on. i guess i have to lay to rest this dream we had of moving to portland, living cooperatively, making ourselves a family... it truly seems to me that other members of the original group already have and just don't want to talk about it. it hurts, yeah, but i just want to move on already. i really do want to be an adult and grow. i just wanted to do it together. i want more than an ordinary, productive, anaesthetized existence.
here's what being an adult means to me: get over yourself. stop wasting time on unrequited love (and i use the term "love" loosely here :). stop putting off the dreams i have for myself that i could actually do something about now in favor of those that really have become pretty much fantasy--i.e., go ahead and go back to school instead of waiting for the Big Move That Never Happens. stop embarrassing yourself by drinking too much. yes, once a week IS too much if it makes me feel like this! calm down, baby.
i've done some serious thinking today, and i'm astonished at how little of my choices actually suit what i want from life. i want to be with my baby more, but i leave her anyway--to do things i don't even want to do. i love my little house; how come i simply can NOT manage to pay my rent on time, even when i have the money in hand, how come i spend so little time there, and how come i can't seem to yank it into order? i miss my political work so much; why am i waiting for someone else to get the avengers rolling again?
and man, i miss jessica h. i will always, always regret not taking advantage of the last bits of time we had her here in our community. what an idiotic move on my part. i love you, jh. it's always a huge mistake to undervalue a good friend.
*sigh* |
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| a bad, bad day. |
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| 08:01pm 16/08/2004 |
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i feel like such shit. i have a big, fat, irrational crush i can't get rid of. it's like having ringworm or a cold sore. the object of my affections is so totally in love with someone else--i mean, you can SEE it--which makes me feel like a complete ass. i feel idiotic about that.
my mom has called me 3x today to tell me what an asshole i am for not putting chloe in public school this year, that chloe will be "retarded" after another year of no school, that waldorf is bullshit and only good for pre-k, and that she's going to call the school board and tell them i'm not teaching chloe enough. i would like to return this mother, please, and exchange it for a new one, thanks. i envy my friends their cool, supportive moms and dads ( and of course since i'm a good girl, i feel tremendously guilty about that too). i also realized today that chloe really needs a 4th grade curriculum instead of 5th because that's where she honestly is. this will cost me $235 more for books. that amount seems just insurmountable!
my friend's birthday celebration is tonight, and i called in sick friday. these events shouldn't be connected but are because my boss was pissed about the latter and thus, would not cover for me so that i can attend the former. this, in turn, pissed off my friends who were hurt because i was just a cold, careless person who ignores people's special days. i have a hard time choking that one down because i am a LOT of things, but a shitty friend? i didn't think so... once again, i really just feel like there's something else going on that i can't pin down, like this is about way more than my having to miss the dinner and no one will talk about it.
i called a friend to vent and cry to someone about it, and got really shitty treatment in return. thing is, i really don't think i actually like her. that makes me feel nasty. i feel like i don't have enough friends or good enough friendships, which makes me really sad. it feels like some friends have slipped away from me, like we've drifted apart, but unlike a dating-type relationship, i didn't even get broken up with. i'm SAD about this. furthermore, other people i could've been cultivating friendships with probably feel like i don't give a shit about them because i have limited time to spend with people and choose others over them, which makes me feel really anti-communitarian. i feel torn and like i'm incapable of making good choices or being a good enough friend.
i've been really sick menatlly for months, extremely depressed, and i feel like the wreckage of my insanity is overwhelming and huge. i feel isolated, adrift, weak. and i HATE to feel weak.
and i wonder where chloe learned to be such a drama queen. ah, valium, how i miss you. and cigarettes. and pot. drugs and oblivion in general, actually.
sometimes it's just not fun to be a grownup. |
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| 10:14pm 12/08/2004 |
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mood: content music: beautiful james on keyboard for chloe<3<3<3 and then chloe
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my baby's home! my baby's home! yay! and so's destry!
no time for livejournal, i've got to be with my baby and my friends. i'm so content, so full, so at peace... what am i gonna do when she gets big & moves out? i'm such a dork.
tomorrow i'll tell you all the terrible, shitty, mean, small, petty, classist, sad things my mom sad to my kid, and i'll tell you what chloe said she learned from this trip.
i <3 chloe |
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| *whew* |
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| 06:49pm 09/08/2004 |
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it was so amazing to have the weekend off, and then today i was reeeeally busy at work and made extra tips... imagine how that would be if people in florida REALly tipped, wow.
ohhhh, i miss chloe. i miss her so much! next year at free school the kids are using a waldorf curriculum, and she didn't get to see it before it was ordered. i hope she doesn't hate it because there isn't much else she can use. she can just not use it, i guess, but i'm not ok with her drifting aimlessly all year. our friend (another mom) came up with this idea and i'm thrilled.
i talked to cookie (chloe) on friday, and she was getting ready to go boating/fishing. my mother cut her hair (i'm sure it'll be super boring). she sounded so big on the phone, and had picked up a definite note of middle-class accent. oh how i miss her. just a few more days... she has an orthodontist appointment soon to see if medicaid will pay for some braces (pleasepleaseplease!)(who's the goddess of teeth?).
my poor kitty slid out the door the other night when a friend came in, stayed out all night, and came home with a very swollen face on one side. it scared the shit out of me. it hasn't gone down at all but it also hasn't grown. i don't know what to do; i really can't afford a trip to the vet if i don't absolutely have to ('scuse me, do you take medicaid?). i also can NOT lose my cat. i'd be devastated. AND i'd have to pretend to be ok to help devastated chloe. ack.
back to the grind. wrote some stuff for welfare zine. chloe's birthday soon. |
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| what was i thinking? or was i thinking at all? |
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| 05:40pm 05/08/2004 |
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mood:  frustrated music: mates of state
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i'm super tired today inspite of 3 shots of espresso. work is dead.
i was punished for that last comment by 3 women wanting mochaccinos (they have to be made in the BLENDER, dammit). it has really been snaily slow, though.
so here's why i'm tired: last night after work i went to *jane's house to hang out. fyi, *jane* is a name i'm using to protect the privacy of my ex-whatever (never actually defined). so we drank a few drinks and decided to walk to the store, where we purchased a quart of "malt beverage" that tastes like a bottle of pink lemonade koolaid that someone spit some dubble bubble into. since we were moderately drunk and thirsty from walking, we managed to convince ourselves that we'd got some good shit.
then we decided to keep walking and go to alex's house, since she lives about as far away as we'd already walked. we reasoned that it wasn't very far, we were looking for trouble, and it wasn't that late (like 12 or something)... so we walked down the road and when we got to her house, all of the lights were off, so we turned around and went back to *jane's house after all.
now, *jane is my really good friend. i really dig her as a friend. she's very clever and glamorous. she smokes with a cigarette holder and has an entire cabinet of shoes. she calls herself a costume jewelry heiress because her grandmother left her a lot of really cool jewelry. she is a decoupage master with minors in glitter, comics, and pink flamingoing. all in all, she is a fabulous lady.
however, something just never clicked in our quasi-dating period. i really love her and totally wanted to be in love with her, have a pretty little house, have more kids, take artsy nude photos, and eat popcorn with nutritional yeast on it for dinner whenever chloe wasn't home. it just was not happening--i just never fell in love. please believe i tried. it made me really sad that there's this perfect person i really admire interested in me, and i just felt... comfortable. chloe loves her too, and i think she's been very disappointed it didn't stick too. i honestly felt like i was ok just hanging out indefinitely the way we were, and that was really unfair because *jane deserves to have someone really be knocked out over her.
so, back to the present--or more recent past--last night. we got back to her house and proceeded to get all touchy-feely, and we all know where that goes. what was i thinking? today i just feel like a big meanie. maybe it's not a big deal; maybe i'm just sad because it was better sex than we'd ever had previously and it still didn't make everything magically different. i'm also mad because she told me about sleeping with someone else recently who in my opinion COMPLETELY took advantage of her and had mean, abusive sex with her, and i'm angry that people do that to each other.
i'm angry i can't give chloe a happy little queer family. i'm angry that i'm an asshole who rejects a really fucking fantastic woman. i'm angry that people take advantage of each other sexually and do coercive, shitty things to others. i'm angry that when i do find someone who makes me feel funny in the pit of my stomach and excited and irritable and goofy happy, she tells me she's glad we're friends who can have fun having sex, and it really fucking hurt me BAD, and made me want to hole up with my kiddo and wall off the rest of myself. i'm angry that i feel like really crucial, important, significant, valuable people i love too often seem to drift away from me... it hurts. i feel like i made a family for myself from my community to replace the really unfortunate one i got in the genetic lotto, and i want to protect it and make it stick together, but it and i are just as dysfunctional as regular families.
ack. i'm gonna go mop floors and ruminate and stew. |
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| i miss my baby |
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| 04:30pm 04/08/2004 |
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mood:  crazy music: mates of state
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chloe has gone with my mom and sister to visit my dad. i'm very conflicted over it--i miss her and i really need a break at the same time. sometimes she has a really bad time with them, too. they make her feel like the redheaded stepchild. my mom tells her every other thing she does or says is trashy and is very disdainful about chloe's clothes, etc. if chloe forgets her toothbrush or comb, my mother goes on and on about how neglectful i am, and chloe gets really sad because she knows my mom really looks down on me and it pisses her off but she knows better than to address it. there's going to come a time when she's not going to be able to restrain herself, and then she probably won't have a good relationship with them anymore. i don't care, either. they're awful sometimes. worst of all, sometimes i can see it in her eyes that she hates them and envies my sister, like when my mom goes on and on about how broke and tired they are after shopping all day in palm beach while chloe stood in line at the food stamp office all morning in dumpstered shoes. i must look like the biggest hipocrite to my baby talking about classism and poverty with my friends and never saying a word to my parents about their bullshit. *sigh.*
but other times, she has a really good time with them, and they take her to do a lot of things and places that i can't afford to. shit, i couldn't really take her anywhere this summer. her vacation was housesitting for my mom. woo-hoo, cable and a/c!
then there's the constant presentation of my sister as the perfect kid, the one everyone else is supposed to be like, and the implied comparison of chloe to her. and she is a pretty great kid, no doubt; when my mother tried to kidnap chloe when we were fighting, my sister tried to help her sneak away--but it's always shitty to compare kids that way instead of treating them as amazing individual small people.
but then, chloe adores my dad. he's the only male relative she really has who's worth a shit, and she needs him. decent men are few and far between these days and one can't afford to ignore the value of 'em when you do find 'em.
to be perfectly honest, i'm also a little afraid they won't give her back. how would i even defend myself? i'm on anti-depressants, i only have a part-time job, i owe a shitload of back rent, the electric is surely overdue by now--i mean really, we're kinda hangin' out at the edge of ok right now. should i even argue that i'm better than them? grrrr. i hate this crap. it's like a jabbering craziness-type fear lurking in the corner of my consciousness.
like i said, conflicted... i'm looking forward to getting her back on the 11th. in the meantime, i'd like to finish my welfare moms' zine and some other stuff... maybe i can do something really cool with her room before then. she'd just die. she doesn't get special stuff like that all the time so she really just sucks it up when she does. very gratifying. |
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| so yesterday |
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| 03:40pm 04/08/2004 |
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mood: bitchy music: usher
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so this is what happened yesterday. this is what i wrote about that got disappeared-ed, which really ticked me off.
why do i have to threaten my kid to get her to help me? i spent 4. four. F.O.U.R., that's right, 4 hours just cleaning my kitchen yesterday. it gleams invitingly now. you could cook stuff in there and feed it to your friends on clean plates with freshly laundered napkins and sparkling glasses of hard liquor if you so chose (although WHY you'd ever want to cook in a florida summer w/no a/c is beyond me...). i even did some crazy stuff like mopping the floor and scrubbing the litter pan. i threw away a mountain of less-than-fresh dry goods & tinned food. *i originally wrote "canned" instead of "tinned," but i like to pretend to be all european like eloise once in a while.*
so chloe had to get up at the ungodly hour of 9am to help me clean up a little because our new part-time roomie was moving in--which, i must interject, means she brought over one little basket of stuff, wow!--and she shrieked and cried like i was getting her up at 3am to be sacrificed in a pagan rite. after rolling her eyes, crying real tears, yelling at my cat and spending 20 minutes in the bathroom "just brushing my TEETH, mom, jesus christ, you always yell at me for NOT brushing my teeth" (as IF i'm going to believe that chloe joy voluntarily traipsed off to brush her teeth and had no intention of just hiding in there), she came out and started bitching about how i always make her do soo much work (i'm not even going to address that one). i looked her in the eye and waited. she proceeded to inform me that she was going to call dcf on me. i told her that she'd better call street school and tell them that she couldn't come to school because she had to stay home and help me. she called my bluff and i called the school. she cried, begged, and finally, started cleaning. she was the best helper ever after our little standoff--she actually worked up a sweat taking out a bunch of trash and cleaning things. why do i have to threaten her to make her do stuff? i hate it. she always cries and i end up yelling. i'd rather live in a dirty house than have that exchange most of the time. we could just let the laundry, trash and dishes pile up around us while we play uno, read and watch movies...
my house is in. sane. crazy. it's sooooo incredibly messy that i fear cleaning it too quickly would throw off the delicate balance of chaos/order and the universe would collapse upon itself, killing us all slowly and painfully--so y'all better be glad i'm taking my time. mm-hmm, i'd better go reeeal slow.
when i hit the lotto and we build the school for revolutionaries compound, we won't have a kitchen in our quarters. so there. |
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| grrrrr. |
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| 03:49pm 03/08/2004 |
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mood:  aggravated music: cowboy junkies- black eyed man
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i'm reaaaaallly pissed because i hit the back icon by mistake and the lengthy post i'd written poof! disappeared. GRRRRRRRR. i am not willing to redo it right now. |
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| poor me. |
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| 07:16pm 02/08/2004 |
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mood:  anxious music: the pale
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i'm all alone at the northern edge of the territory... i miss sasha. *sigh* :( i also seem to have od'ed on espresso. |
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| wage slavery, ADD, & resident evil |
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| 04:44pm 02/08/2004 |
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mood: hmmmm. what? music: stephanie taylor
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ho hum. another wasted day at the cawfee shop. not that it's a dreadful place to work--the people are all nice-like and here i am again, online--but i abhor spending six hours of my day away from my house and kiddo (<3 chloe, my luv <3) and stuff and tv and cats (cats! yay!) just so that i can earn $36 (before taxes) and *oooh!* $2 in tips. i also have only like maybe 15 or 20 cd's that are acceptable for coffee-house play, and i'm pretty sure if i tried to make jewelry here between customers (we're talkin' like, one per hour, maybe two), i'd get some dirty looks.
on the plus side, i've perfected a smoothie that tastes like bananas foster. wheeeeeeee! on the minus side, it's kinda gross when one uses soy milk to make it instead of whole... just try to push the sad cow faces out of your head and enjoy, right?
i have forgotten to take my welbutrin for 3 solid days now (i think...) and i am so all over the place. the ADD is kickin'. the most affecting side effect: i am literally so easily distracted right now that i can barely type this without being captivated by the beautiful stripey-ness of my new pink-and-green old navy shirt. free stuff rules, holla! i miss my baby and my cats; they like my shirt too... is that a spider? hmmmm.
la la la la.
oh! i got a letter today that states that i will not be able to get a welfare check for july (only month i applied for) because i missed the stupid welfare orientation to get a J-O-B. due to recent welfare cuts/changes, those of us who try to get a job immediately instead of first taking classes to learn how to apply for a job will from here on out get what is referred to in welfare-recipient circles as THE SHAFT. you know it's bad when even the dcf workers look down and shake their heads in regret as they tell you, "no." note to resident dubya: fuck you AND yer daddy. i'm (in part) a texan, too, asshole--and that is NOT how they do things in texas. that is how y'all do things in the state of i'm-a-rich-elitist-asshole-lying-dirty-thief-daddy's-boy. rob the poor and give to the rich!
"wheeeeee, i'm dubyin hood! friar dick, i've got a bag of gold from the poorbox, let's round up a band of merry men like our friend tony blair, and go meddle in the affairs of others!"
wtf-ever. we poor people are stupid anyway, and we poor single mamas are downright evil. that's why i'm raising myself a little revolutionary. my chloe's gonna set some stuiff on FIRE when she gets tall enough! even dubya won't be able to get in the way of all that is chloe joy. |
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jennandchloe's journal
